It was my husband’s birthday this week, and I wanted everything to be perfect.
Not sure why I put those expectations on myself. I had just had minor surgery two days before and I am still recovering from the accident and will continue to recover from the accident and no one was making a huge deal out of anything. But, I think since my accident, I have been more emotional about events and gatherings and wanting to have things just.
On this particular evening, one of my twins had gone to youth group, which is of course a good thing that I am so thankful he is engaged in that. Youth group normally ends at 9 pm and our plans were to have cake when he got home.
But, at 9:30 he still was not home.
After numerous texts and not hearing back from him, I was getting irritated. My other son, age 12, wanted to get to bed and it looked like we were not going to be able to have birthday cake together as a family.
I wanted to make sure my husband knew his birthday was important in the midst of my health issues.
After my son arrived home at 9:40 pm, I scolded him about being late. And not answering his texts.
He was defensive, noting that youth group ends at 9:15 and sometimes goes until 9:30, but then I reminded him of his dad’s birthday.
My son then apologized. “Sorry, Mom.”
And, though I accepted his apology, I really didn’t deep down. I got upset with other members of the family and even my husband who had disappeared.
Now, this very birthday that I wanted to be perfect turned out to be even more less than perfect. It was stressful because there was conflict and it was mostly because of me.
Then I feel really badly about it all and hate myself.
I apologize profusely, especially to my son, whom I didn’t initially fully forgive.
Why, oh, why, do I act this way sometimes, I asked myself. I know I have been over-reacting more and more since the accident and this makes me very sad. Who am I? I want to be me.
I wrapped my arms around my son and said I am so sorry, and could he forgive me, and he said yes. And he said he was also sorry.
The next day, I woke up and still felt so badly about the night before. I talked to my son again about it.
How could I ruin a birthday? How could I not forgive my son and continue to hold his being home later than I expected against him? How could I be such a parent, I wondered?
It reminds me of how desperately I need God in my life. And, it also reminds me of the way the accident continues to show how I have changed. Then I worry. Will I return to the old me, the one that does not over-react to.
Recently I was at a shower for a friend of mine where I met a woman who talked about feelings of not measuring up to the kind of mom she wanted to. She felt badly. She shared with me how sometimes she her voice at her son and felt terrible about it later, and would then ask for forgiveness only to do it again on another occasion.
I told her she is a good mom and just the fact that she is even thinking about these things, tells me she is introspective and self aware. And becoming better in the future at anything starts with thinking about how we are right now.
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is forgiving ourselves. We need to recognize that we are not perfect, and say we are sorry when we mess up, and ask our kids for forgiveness. They need to see us say we are sorry.
I am reminded of Romans 8:1-2 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”
We are set free. We need to realize that and live into that reality.
[This is part of a #Write31Days series of posts on “Finding your parenting Philosophy” http://www.corneliaseigneur.com/31-days-finding-your-parenting-philosophy/ ]
I agree and know you are an awesome mom with an awesome family. It took me forever to realize that late teens,
muddy floors from rain-drenched tennis shoes, an over (or under) cooked turkey, or presents that don’t knock anyone’s socks off are reality. As the years go by, when we are all together (my sibs or my kids) what we laugh ourselves silly over are the mishaps…hockey tickets that got scooped up with the wrapping paper and burned, puppies that arrived in the middle of having my office staff over or the night dad made my brother clean his plate–and then he cleaned up upchucked spaghetti. What I love best about your family, and mine, is that they show up and love is in the air. Perfectly perfect is perfectly boring.
Oh Joan! So lovely, your reflections on real-family-life. “Muddy floors from rain-drenched tennis shoes, an over (or under) cooked turkey, or presents that don’t knock anyone’s socks off are reality…” Love this. You have been here and are here and continue to be here as you love your wonderful family. Indeed, love is in the air. Perfectly perfect.
Thank you for sharing this Cornelia!
Elly- all the way from Deutschland! Thank you – DANKE SCHOEN – for reading and commenting.
There is only one perfect parent and that is our Heavenly Father. His ways are perfect and His word is flawless. It is comforting to know that He understands us and can help us when we are not at our best. I am thankful his love is unconditional and isn’t based on our performance. We are made perfect (complete…lacking nothing) and whole in Him. We are so blessed to have such a patient Heavenly Father who is always there to pick us up and who forgives us completely for past, present and future sins 🙂
I think every single Mom can relate to what happened that night. God bless you as you continue to grow in Christ. You are a great wife and mom who cares deeply for her family.
Love,
t 🙂 oxo
Amen Tami indeed- God is the only perfect parent and He is indeed very patient with us. May we be as patient with others and ourselves as He is with us!