Today marks the 10-month anniversary of the accident that changed my life. I spent an hour of the day at vision therapy with all these gadgets and exercises to help my eyes track better together. My therapist says one of them is like a view-master, which I don’t recall having as a child but remember using at friends’ houses.
It is hard work, this recovery process- and this vision therapy in particular. I have a splitting headache afterwards. I’ve only gone three times now and each time when I leave I cry. Vision and the brain and the mind and focus are all connected. I get frustrated with myself, that I still have these issues.
My vision therapist reminds me to not be so hard on myself. Healing from a traumatic brain injury will take time. Lots of time. And, it may never be the same. My concussion specialist says something similar, noting that type A personalities have especially hard times, as our standards are so high.
Yet, I rejoice. Each day since that Friday January 9 I’ve been so grateful to God to be alive and to be able to talk and reflect and walk, which is part of my therapy. And, I’m so very thankful for the amazing support and grace and mercy and love of my family and friends and community and extended community and church.
I continue to pray, each morning and each evening: “Lord, thank You for saving me. Thank you for sending your angels to pad that sidewalk. Lord, show me what you want me to do.”
Maybe, it’s just being still right now. I think of Psalm 46:10 – “Cease striving and know that I am God.” “Be still and know I am God.”
This is such an important lesson for me, a person who usually has a mile-long to-do list. God has sent several friends alongside me on this journey to remind me of exactly this. Kristi, Jenni, Ashley, Bea, Janice, and Judi come to mind.
And, it’s a lesson that I want to help my kids with. That they would learn to rest. To be still. To know that it is okay to not always have to strive so hard. To know that it’s okay to not always know what the future holds. To seek God in that stillness and that non-striving-ness. Bottom line: Let God be God. Rest in His.
In my house when they growing up, it was a bit of a joke that you were only worth as much as you work. My German mom laughs about how I used to say that to her.
But the truth is, I still have a hard time sitting still. Movement is progress, right?
Well, right now, I cannot move so much. I have be still.
I so many things in my life I am sorting through. Decisions to make, the future to consider, life. Yet, right now, I really just need to be still, to focus on healing, on getting better; on healing this sciatic nerve issue and my eye issues and my focus issue.
Cause that is exactly it. Focus. I am having a hard time with that.
As my friend Pam reminded about one of the areas I am concerned about, my book proposal that I promised to do before my accident, just relax in it. I am so behind since this accident. I cannot focus. But Pam said, do not worry. Spend time with the Lord. Give your grace. You got hit by an SUV this year.
Cease striving. Be still. Be at peace.
And know that God is God.