IMG_9567  I was at church recently, and I seemed to cry during every song and then during parts of the service. God was at work in my heart as I prayed and worshiped and asked Him to show me direction.  I feel so confused and frustrated and overwhelmed right now. I get this way at the start of most summers as I try to navigate my family and home and creative life. But, now, since the accident, I have not been able to focus very well. It is all so hard. Three kids at home who need me. Emotionally and physically and and and and I am just trying to get better each day and it is hard and I am tired and sometimes I do not know how I am going to make it. So, yeah, the song today by Matt Maher just did me in:

“Lord, I Need You”

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

I am so desperate for God. I’ve been realizing that more and more each year of my life, and even more so this year. And, that reality is something as a parent we need to communicate to our children.

I hear people Pray, “Dear Lord, please show up today,” but He already is there. Instead I pray, “Help me to realize you are there, help me to sense your presence, help me to feel your hope and know your grace. And help my kids to sense your presence, your Spirit, your hope.”

DSC_0074  I remember a few years ago, I was going through a  hard time. My oldest child, my daughter was in Germany going to school and my oldest son was away at his first year of college at George Fox University, where I had filled in the semester before but did not get a permanent position. My Real-Life Mom column at The Oregonian had just been terminated and my other work at the paper was changing.

I felt without direction.

Okay, I had three kids at home, ages 6, 11, and 11, but my creative life, where I found some of my identity and fulfillment– my writing and teaching –was in transition.

During that time six years ago, I woke up every morning and dropping to my knees by my bed and crying out to the Lord:

“Lord, please show me what you would have for me, for my family, for my writing, for my teaching, for my ministry, for my work.”

And during the day, I wept and cried and asked the Lord what He wanted from me.

And at night, I dropped to my knees by my bed again and prayed the same prayer, “Lord, here I am. Show me what you would have for me, for my family life, for my ministry, for my creative life, for my work.”

I felt so desperate for The Lord to reveal to me His will, His direction, his hope, his grace.

And, He did. He opened up the doors for me to teach at Multnomah University and to start a writers conference and to substitute teach in the public school system and to speak to mom groups about the adventure of motherhood and life.

Since our accident, I have felt more and more desperate for God in my life. I cannot seem to shake it. And, maybe that is the point. When my accident happened, I had no place else to go. My life was truly totally in God’s hand. And it still is.

DSC_0288  What I have come to realize is that we are always desperate for God, even when we do not think about it or name it. Sometimes it takes a hard time, a transition, a tragedy, to make us realize just how desperate we are for Jesus in our lives.

My hope and prayer is that I would always be desperate for God and that my kids would be as well, even during good times, that they would acknowledge Him in their lives.

To know that they are desperate for God, to feel that they are desperate for Him, to be dependent on Him, to think of Him, to be filled with His Spirit.

Lord, we need you, oh, we need you, every hour we need you. . .

Without You we fall apart
You’re the One that guides our heart.

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