Last Friday, I shared with the Mom To Mom group at Salem First Baptist Church lessons learned from my accident in January. One of those lessons is something I’ve struggled with for much of my life, but it hit home even more after my near-death experience and the recovery process since then: To have our adequacy firmly in the Lord and not based upon what we do.
I learned this the hard way because after my accident, I could not do very much for so many months and I had to rely on so many amazing friends and family members and it may be the rest of my life I am reminded of that day in January.
And I wrote in a past post, When we cannot do, we have to just be, I wrote that after my accident, my friend Ashley came to visit me and she said to me that during this season of recovery, maybe I could allow myself to rest and to receive without feeling less than; to just be rather than do.
I need to allow my adequacy to come from the Lord.
After my talk at Mom To Mom, we had individual table time where we discussed some areas of my talk. Jayme, one of the awesome moms who helped organize the event, shared with our table group, about a conversation she had with one of her kids after dealing with certain discipline issues.
No matter what, she told her daughter, “You are good.”
Pause.
As I thought about that statement, “you are good,” I considered discussions with other believers over the years, and literature that I had read, which would take issue with that statement; and I figured that others on our table may have felt the same way.
So, I decided to address it head-on with the group during our small group discussion time.
“I know what you mean about the importance of telling our kids that they are ‘good,’ yet, I need to be honest with you; as a Christian, I’ve struggled with that concept, of telling my kids or myself that they/we are ‘good.'”
I think of two verses in the Bible: “There is only One who is good (Matt. 19:17) and “There is no one righteous, not one (Romans 3:10). They have been drilled down me.
Another mom sitting next to me shook her head in agreement, adding that those were some of the first thoughts that came to her mind as well. Theologically, only God is perfect and only Jesus was without sin. “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)
Yet, as I think about the word “good” as it relates to Christians and raising our kids, I look at the heart of what Jayme at the Mom event was saying, and that is why I agree with her.
To tell our kids they are good is just saying that we accept and love them as they are. They don’t have to be anyone else, at any other time. We need to make sure our kids know they are loved and that their adequacy, no matter what, comes from the Lord.
I think of the verse in the creation story in Genesis 1:31, after God had created humans in His image, it is written:
“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” God said creation, which includes us, was very good — not just good!
It is very important to separate the actions from the person. That is, we need to make sure our kids know that when they do something wrong, they are still good and worthy of our love, and it is only the thing that they did that was not good.
Never ever say, “Bad boy” or “bad girl” to your child. Kids take that to heart, internalizing it, thinking they are not worth anything.
I think of other areas that can make kids feel worthy or good or not good enough or not as good as others. How they perform in sports or music, or how many points they made in a 
soccer game. All performance based, good or bad. Another huge influence in our kids’ lives, that affects how they feel about themselves is of course social media. We all can get sucked in:
How many likes did that photo bring in? How many people commented on it?
As humans, it is so easy to base our feelings of how much we are worth upon on our actions (good or bad) and how others respond to us.
In Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly,” there is an excellent chapter on parenting. In it she talks about making sure we do not make our children feel like our love for them depends upon their actions. She asks:
“Are we sending (our kids) overt or covert messages about what makes them more and less lovable? Or are we focusing on behaviors that need to change and making it clear that their essential worthiness is not on the table?”
Brene notes that we may have to first view ourselves as someone worthy of love to be able to truly give that message to our kids.
As my dear friend Brooke reminds me. “You are enough.”
Make sure our kids know that they are enough.
An important part of my Parenting Philosophy:
Tell your kids you love them, no matter what. Communicate to our children that our love for them is not based upon their performance, positive or negative, good or bad. You love them forever and for always. No matter what. Tell your kids they are good. They are enough.
[This post is part of a series on Finding Your Parenting Philosophy. I am participating (at my own pace) in the #Write31Days on any topic this month. My heart and pen often turn to parenting and family life as I am passionate about those areas and I want to inspire others in their journey. Here is a link to the other posts: Finding Your Parenting Philosophy- #Write31Days]
Visiting as a fellow 31 day writer. Very interesting and thought-provoking post.
Thank you for this post. I grew up in a Christian home, but fled God as I grew to believe I wasn’t “good enough” for Him. My fear grew from me idolizing my parents: seeking their love and approval through what I did. I did not come to understand, as you so rightly encourage parents to let their kids know, that my adequacy is a free gift of God’s. I think you’re right though in pointing out that we so often parent blindly, encouraging that which we really seek to discourage. My parents loved and served the Lord, but like all humans weren’t perfect. You’ve made me stop and consider in what ways I am now blindly encouraging that which I seek to discourage. Thank you.
Hi Anna- thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts and story. It is so amazing how our words to our kids, how we validate them, affects them so much. For eternity. I still struggle with this message of “enough” but am always trying to tell my kids how much I love them, no matter what! – thanks for reading- I’ll stop by your page as well!